Dealing with resentment.
Today I am digging deep. I really battled whether to share this post or not as is really only something I would normally share with a couple of close friends. It is a struggle that just seems to be front and center in my head and heart right now. Dealing with resentment.
Money and freedom are the two main issue I am struggling with when it comes to dealing with resentment lately.
Going from being completely independent, working full-time, supporting myself, doing what I wanted when I wanted, to not having any of my own income, relying on someone else to pay for everything, being house bound most of the time, not having friends or family around, and every minute of my life being ruled and determined by what this brand new tiny human needed, is extremely hard (then lets throw some good old mum guilt in there for good measure).
This really sounds awful, like I don't like being a mum but that is obviously not the case.
If you have read the rest of my blog you will know that the start of my relationship with Josh to now being parents to our crazy, beautiful, sassy little girl did not happen the traditional way. We barely even knew each other when I fell pregnant with Eva but we decided to make it work. Maybe I wouldn't feel so full of resentment about these things if we were married or had been together for a decent amount of time before Eva came a long. I do think that the way this all happened has impacted the way I am feeling now. But, who knows.
Basically, I just miss my freedom.
Yes, Josh's life has changed greatly too. But, it isn't the same and definitely not to the same extent. He still goes to work, has friends around, goes away for work semi-regularly so gets a break and going away for a weekend with the boys is also an option for him. Yes, he now has responsibilities greater than himself and his own needs but, life still holds some resemblance of what is used to be. And, I am completely resentful of that.
I know that this is the way that it will be for awhile and it is not his fault. He literally cannot breastfeed our baby and I wanted to be home full time. This was a choice I made. It made sense practically and financially as he earnt more money than I. Taking my initial emotional response out of it, I can honestly say that I do want him to be happy and continue to do things he enjoys with his friends, I am not that much of a monster haha. But, each time he does go away I am constantly fighting back the feelings of anger and resentment.
Just writing this I feel awful and completely guilty. But, surely I am not the only new mother to experience these feelings?
It's not like he is out partying all the time by any means. He is a great dad, who loves our daughter and me very much. He does everything he can to provide us with all that we need. There are definitely things he can work on but I will be the first to say that I am far from perfect (some days I am just a down right grump ALL DAY). We are both learning together.
Maybe this is just more of a rant and an emotional outburst more than an actual helpful post. To be honest, I am still right in the middle of learning to deal with this situation and these feelings. I am sure you have a better insight in to overcoming them that I do. But, for now this is what I am telling myself;
1.| Life has changed. Get over it. Accept it. - OK, not quite that harsh.
I now really feel like you need to take the time to mourn your old life. Motherhood is not as glamorous as it looks on TV. It is bloody hard work! Life has changed. That is a fact.
Now, it is about finding the new you. Learning how to blend your old life with the new. If you start to get your head in the right space this can actually be really exciting. I don't know about you, but I am definitely not the same person as before (well, I am but you get what I mean). So, if I am not the same person then why would my life continue to look the same? The thing is, I actually don't want it to be exactly the same, I just want to have parts of it. This will come again. Your baby won't depend on you 24/7 like she does now (and you will miss that) and you will get to have free time again. So, for now just enjoy your wee babe and settle in for the ride. Cherish every moment. (Note to self).
I have never been amazing at communication. I am getting better but my thoughts and feelings still tend to build up for a few weeks or even months before they finally spill over and I share them. In saying this, I am very careful as to how I come across and the words I choose when I do communicate. I do not want them to be misinterpreted or said in a wave of uncontrolled emotion. But, if I don't say he won't know. (We all know this and don't really need to be told). Men are not mind readers and will not just pick up on what is wrong and know exactly how to fix it. I am really trying to be open and honest about the way I am feeling at any given time. He may not be able to do anything about it but you would be amazed at the weight that is lifted just by letting it all out.
3.| Make time for your relationship. And yourself.
Remember when you spent hours together just hanging out, going on road trips and spending all your free time just having fun with each other? Yeah well obviously that is all a distant memory right about now. It is so easy to let your baby take over every part of your life, especially when they are brand new. Don't get me started on the absolute exhaustion! But, making time for each other is really important and this is something we are still learning to do. (Actually, we suck at it. Work in progress).
Find new things to do together and explore some of your own interests now that you spend so much more time at home. Get creative. Look on good old Pinterest. Start a blog - that's what I did.
If you intentionally work on it, it will get better and you will find yourself in a much more positive state of mind.
4.| Give it time.
This is a massive change. You have done and been through a roller-coaster of events and emotions. Life is always going to be different but it won't be like this forever. Your baby won't need you the way they need you now. Enjoy these precious moments being home and being needed in such an intimate way. Soon they will be gone.
You will find your rhythm.
You will find your stride.
You will find your place.
You will find you again.
Did you struggle with dealing with resentment?
Sorry if this really does read as an emotional vomit. But, I really just want to be straight up and honest about my thoughts and they way I am feeling at any given time. I did write this post a wee while ago now so things have changed a bit (for the better) but that is for another post on another day.
All images are by SC Stock Shop.